Non-fiction

You need to know your heart before you let another hold it in their hands.

And that sounds easy until it’s so late that it’s the morning of a new day and you don’t know who you are.

You don’t know what you want, how you feel, where you want to be, who you want to be.

That’s when the sheets become chains and your apartment becomes a prison, even though you are the only one who holds the key.

That’s when you tear down the map that hangs on your wall because the idea of you not being able to see everything keeps you awake longer than any man you’ve ever met.

That’s when you give up on rest and turn to your phone that holds no messages, books that hold no comfort, and movies you can’t get to the credits of.

You keep your dreams in a hidden case because even you’re afraid to take a long look at them. Hopes in a glass jar that’s easily seen and just as easily shattered. Your goals can’t stick long enough to become something to aspire to and the future taunts you with sudden endings.

If only you could write as quickly as you could think.

Then the thoughts you twist into everything that drags your heart down could be teased out of your head and onto a page where they could be passed off as fiction.

The doubt that lingers on your tongue could be tucked away into lines of text and declared prose.

The impending heartbreak could be seen as a muse.

You need to know your heart before you let another hold it in their hands.

But if your heart feels empty then there’s nothing that will help you know what it wants.

When

When I was young I lived beside a field that had trees that skirted the outside. Small trees, just taller than I was, that bent in the wind too easily. I pretended they were my students and I taught them things they should know like to keep birds safe and that they would reach the sky one day.
When I was young I would have dreams about this giant who chased me down hills and scooped me up only to give me a chocolate bar to hide in my toy chest at the end of my bed. And then in the morning I would check the chest and be so confused because the chocolate wasn’t where I put it.
When you are younger the movies tell the truth. He won’t show up in the pouring rain and spill his heart, he won’t even show up at all.
Every song you hear sounds just as good because they aren’t tied to people you’ve known. You can hear a full CD without skipping a track and listen mindlessly.
The books you read ended with an ever after and you thought that was how it happened. You didn’t know you’d have to rewrite your story so often you don’t know where it’s heading.
When I was younger I wanted to grow up, because when I grew up everything would make sense.

When I was younger it was easy.